Death By Diary
by kelsey.rebecca
Summary: Much to his dismay and utter humiliation, Ronald Weasley is being forced to keep a journal.
1. Bonkers

**All Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Yes, all of them.**

**And this is my first fan fic in ages, so it would be nice if you would review and tell me how it is. Thanks!**

Um…

I think I'm supposed to say

Dear diary,

Or something like that.

Oh bloody hell

Who knows?

Not me for sure.

Why I'm writing a diary,

Well,

It's supposed to

"Build character"

Ha

I have plenty of character.

That much is certain.

God,

How am I supposed to do this

Nearly every single bloody day,

For an entire bloody month?

They're insaaaaaane.

What am I supposed to write about.

Stupid parents.

Dumb, retardo, idiot, bloody parents.

"Oh Ronny-kins,

Keep a diary,

A journal,

It will help you build character."

To hell with it.

To hell with character.

To hell with bloody diaries.

Diaries are for girls

And Slytherins.

If there was only some way around it,

But no,

Magical bloody parents know magical bloody spells.

I'm going to die.

Wither away and die.

Nobody will even miss me

I can see the headlines now

**Ron Weasley: Death by Diary.**

Oh Merlin.

This is bonkers.

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Bonkers bonkers bonkers

Times one million

At least.

Worst thing is

They'll know how much I've written

So I can't be finished yet.

Never,

I'll never be finished.

I wish a thousand spiders would come and eat me or something.

Okay, that may be a little drastic.

How about…

A dementor.

Yes,

A dementor could come and suck out my soul.

At least that might be slightly more entertaining than this

And slightly less painful.

My hand is cramping.

It'll probably fall off soon.

At least they couldn't make me write anymore,

Ever.

Bloody hell,

I'm going mad.

Maybe it's cabin fever,

Or was that cabin flu?

Who cares?

Not me,

Certainly not me,

Anyone except me.

I think I'm dying.

Yes.

I can feel death building inside me.

The bright light…

I can see it.

It's coming for me.

I hear the angels.

Oh,

Take me now cruel world!

_Damn it Neville._

You and your stupid magic.

You're toying with my emotions.

Emotions,

That's what mum says to write about.

She's bonkers though.

Can you blame her really?

I can hardly believe she survived raising the devil twins,

At least after them she was blessed with me.

And then the joy was ripped away when little Ginny was born.

If mum knew half of the things she did when she's at school…

I think mum would lock her in a cupboard.

I would,

That's for sure.

Oh look,

There goes Harry,

Off to play quidditch I would suppose.

Lucky him,

He still has a life.

_No I can't go._

_Yes, it's a bloody diary._

_Mum's making me._

_Shut up you git._

If he wasn't my best mate I swear I'd hate him.

Especially because of his not-so-secret love of my sister.

That'd make me beat the Bertie Botts right out of him.

If he wasn't my best mate that is.

Well, that made loads of sense.

See,

I'm going mental.

I have to stop this.

I can't take it anymore.

If I'm not done soon,

I'll simply vanish.

This must be enough.

The field is screaming my name.

I quit.


	2. Barrel of Monkeys

Day two of the dreaded diary.

I'm not dead

…yet.

I still don't see the point in this

And I still don't know what to write about.

And yet,

Here I am.

Bloody parents.

Have I mentioned how cruel they are?

Well,

Let's see…

What do they expect me to do.

Honestly?

Am I supposed to sit here and dump out my feelings?

Hahaha,

That's what Percy did,

By choice.

What a prat.

Though I do miss him at home.

What a laugh!

Reading his frilly sob-story diary was only the beginning of the amusement.

Good times, good times.

You know,

Come to think of it,

My whole family's bonkers.

Bill and Charlie are off traveling the world,

Training dragons and breaking curses.

Percy,

God knows,

What a nutcase.

Sad that Fred and George may be the most normal of characters in the Weasley family.

The insane pranksters slash entrepreneurs.

And Ginny,

The man-magnet

I'd hate to know what she's up to now,

Probably in some broom closet

With Mr. Flavor-Of-The-Week.

Yes, flavor.

I think I'm going to puke.

New subject.

This is so…

Idiotic.

Have I mentioned that already?

Who in the name of Albus Dumbledore am I asking questions?

Ah!

I've done it again!

Somebody kill me.

Do it now

Before it's too late.

I'm going to die.

Honest to god.

I'll die

Any second now

I swear.

Okay,

Maybe not any second

But I'm going to die

And you'll regret it.

Ah!!

I'm talking to nobody again.

Oh, unless this is like

A possessed diary

Like he-who-must-not-be,

Oh forget it,

Like Voldemort's.

It doesn't count if it's written anyway.

Does it?

Oh blimey

There I go again.

Send me to Mungo's.

I'm ill,

Crazy,

Dying.

Tell Hermione I loved her.

…

Just kidding.

Honest.

It was a joke.

Tell Harry I loved him too.

See,

Haha,

So funny.

Um…

New subject again….

BARREL OF MONKEYS!

Well,

That was a tad random.

But, the subject has been changed.

Hoorah.

Screw my parents,

And froofy, frilly, girly diaries.

I do have character.

What to write…

Why does it matter?

(Again with the asking questions to no one)

I could write the word

Fart

Over and over again

And who would know or care.

Fart

Fart fart fart

Farty McFarter farts farts.

And nobody gives a flying pig.

_Nope,_

_I'm writing…_

_Doing homework._

_Yes Hermione._

_Is it that hard to believe?_

_I don't copy you __**every**__ time._

_Okay, well maybe I've turned over a new petal._

_Whatever._

I can't believe she didn't believe me!

So, I guess I was lying so she shouldn't,

But I can very well do my own homework.

I just choose not to.

That's all.

Glad she didn't find out though.

That could've been embarrassing.

Anywho…

Farts.

Haha.

I am brilliant aren't I.

So brilliant that I think I'll call it a day.

Yes,

That sounds like a plan.

Maybe I'll go sneak some desserts from the kitchen

As long as bloody Flitwick doesn't catch me this time.

Yes…

Food sounds good.

Very good.

Plus, I might run into…

Oh,

Some people I know on my way.

And I am terribly hungry.


End file.
